Mistake #1- Love Shouldn’t Have to be so Hard, It just is
Love has stages and needs to be cultivated. To think one stays in love “just because” is as crazy as expecting a tree to grow that you never water! If you find yourself saying, “I love him, but I’m not IN-LOVE with him”, then you have bought into this consumer mentality. Begin to see love as a tree that needs to be watered, fertilized, pruned, protected, and enjoyed for it to thrive – so too with love. Unlike fairytales, “True love” typically does not come with under 20 years of marriage. So buckle in, and sit tight, this is going to be a bumpy ride but the destination is well worth it if both partners are committed to nurturing their marriage and cultivating their love.
Mistake #2- If He Loved Me, I Wouldn’t Have to Tell Him what I Need
Men are concrete learners and need to be told what you as a woman need. They are men not women and have a whole different way of behaving, thinking, and needing. The clearer you are with your man, the more chance of you getting what you need in the relationship. This is a win/win-he gets to be the hero riding in on his white horse and you get to benefit as the princess getting her needs met. No amount of love will cause your husband to know your needs without you ever communicating them. And no amount of loving him will cause him to “see the light” and return the favor. If you want nurturing and cherishing in the relationship, ask, expect, and require it for thriving in a relationship. If your man is unresponsive or un-teachable, we have a whole other problem.
Mistake #3- My Husband Will meet ALL my Needs
There is no man alive able to meet a woman’s every need. She must get her needs met through other relationships-family, friends, co-workers, moms, wives, herself, and God. No amount of love, passion, care, or learning will create a man sufficient for a woman’s every need. If your man is trying to convince you of this, don’t believe him for your sake, and the sake of your marriage. And if you are trying to create a man capable of this, quit for his sake and your marriage. This is a trap no one can win in. Get your other relationships, hobbies, interests, and passions outside of your marriage, and use these to create a thriving self to contribute back into your marriage. Conversely, keeping yourself so busy so that you cannot invest in your marriage is also toxic to your marriage.
In working with women’s issues for over a decade, I have seen some reoccurring themes women make that invalidates the beauty and strength of a woman, and causes women to become hollowed out, silent, anxious, depressed, and physically ill. Some of the top mistakes women make are also found in their strengths. As the saying goes, “your greatest strength is your greatest weakness” and “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results.” Let’s learn from our mistakes which is often our strengths misused.
Keepin’ it real,
Dr. Jenn
